ACHTUNG BABY

December 24th, 2017.

In some fancy hotel at suburban Delhi, Subhojit and Hitesh were busy with their baby. They were supposed to launch their respective books at the same time. Therefore, they were excited and busy with the final touches. You may ask why they were launching it at the same time, at the same hotel. The answer is simple. They worked together for 10 years and were passionately involved with one another. Are you letting your imagination loose? FYI, two people can be passionately involved with each other’s work. Maybe I mean body work. Okay, enough, don’t imagine.

Subho - Come here.
Hitesh - Please Subho, it's getting too much.
Subho - You ungrateful swine.
Hitesh - Ok, I'm here. Bark.
Subho - I'm excited with our boobs.
Hitesh - You mean books, right?
Subho - Ya ya, smartass.
Hitesh - So, you still want to hibernate from the others?
Subho - Maane?
Hitesh - You were avoiding a lot of people after college.
Subho - Oh that. I thought they were dumb.
Hitesh - What's your point?
Subho - Nothing. I wanted a break. I was tired.
Hitesh - You weren't the only one (sarcasm).
Subho - Fuck off. No wait, just turn around.
Hitesh - All right but only twice.
Subho - That's what you think.
Hitesh - What's your point?



Abhishek Mukherjee and Baharul Islam never got along after college. This was after the former developed feelings for the woman that the latter liked. It happened 10 long years ago and the woman in question is now the chief editor of the world’s largest daily. Coming back to the two, they were supposed to work together for a project called- Save The Cats. This was a move started by leading Follywood (those stuck between Bollywood language and Hollywood accent) star, Mr Salmon. Baharul’s involvement is pivotal since he was the star’s PR whereas Abhishek had to cover the story as his promotion from a JJ (Jackass Journalist) to a JJJ (Junior Jabardast Journalist) depended on it.

Abhishek - Please have a shit. I mean seat.
Baharul - Jerk.
Abhishek - So, let’s start.
Baharul – Whatever.
Abhishek – Why this campaign?
Baharul – Mujhe junglee biliya bahot pasand hai (I’m very fond of wild cats). Besides, Salmon bhai is an animal lover and cares for all living beings.
Abhishek – Is that so?
Baharul – Interview over.
Abhishek – Didn’t he shoot black bucks years ago?
Baharul – That was a one off thing.
Abhishek – What about him running over pedestrians?
Baharul – Another one off thing.
Abhishek- When he banged his car over some street people?
Baharul - Another one off thing.
Abhishek – He would pick up fights with any person?
Baharul – No private questions.
Abhishek – He is not a public person at all.
Baharul – Look who’s talking? You were an asshole in college.
Abhishek – At least, I didn’t get a bouquet of flowers.
Baharul – Y… O… U…. (He says ‘You’ in slow motion).

Baharul calls Salmon and he arrives. Upon hearing the interview content, Abhishek gets beaten black and blue. He is thrown out of the room and hears Baharul laughingly saying, “I have got my revenge”. Abhishek sheds a tear, “I have got my promotion.”



December 25th, 2017.

Anurag Kotoky picks up the newspaper on a chilly Christmas day. He laughs as he reads through the headline, “Journalist Attacked: Is The Media Safe”. He reaches for his cell phone and calls Ved to gossip about the old days. Anurag waits for Ved to answer the call and in the meanwhile listens to the song, ‘Laal Laal Honthon Pe Gori Kiska Naam Hai” (Babe, Whose Name Is On Your Scorching Red Lips) which plays as Ved’s caller tune.

Ved – Hello.
Anurag – Hello.
Ved – Who’s this?
Anurag – Oi kela.
Ved – What is it?
Anurag – What is with your caller tone?
Ved – Oh that.
Anurag – Bizzare.
Ved – Why? Aren’t lips red?
Anurag – No, they are pink.
Ved – Oh, I just wanted the colour ‘Red’.
Anurag – But why kela?
Ved – Firstly, it’s my favourite movie.
Anurag – I can’t believe that you have two reasons.
Ved – Secondly, I completed m my post graduation from JNU.
Anurag – So?
Ved – Moron. Red and JNU. Connect.
Anurag – Oh yeah. I’m such a dork.
Ved – That we are competing for.
Anurag – Shut your trap.
Ved – Go peel bananas.
Anurag – Fuck off.
Ved – Why did you call?
Anurag – Hmmm, I forgot. Shit.
Ved – You need help.
Anurag – Oi kela.
Ved – I have a headache.


First things first. Anurag was a member of parliament and Ved was a senior professor in some college at Delhi University. Both kept in touch with one another and helped each other in several cases. This one time, Anurag won an election only because Ved’s students didn’t allow other people to vote for the other candidates. Such is the power of the youth. Anurag returned the favour by introducing Ved to important doctors. That’s when Ved said, “Yippee, now my headache will be over”.



December 26th, 2017.

A bright winter morning catches the eye of an ageing philosopher. He finds himself sipping the finest blue vodka, abundantly left over, after last night’s celebrations. No one really knew what Vincent did for a living. He was turning 35 next February and had no future plans except for some heavy real assets which he used as investments. By the way, please do not let your imagination run wild with the word, ‘Real Asset’ because it would be insane when I mention that his assets were scattered across the city. Therefore, by assets, I mean buildings, land, machinery, etc. Anyway, Life was spending time in a mosh-pit for this guy, who never seemed to fulfill your imagination of a penthouse owner. Vincent recently returned to ‘Zee News’ after trying his hand at 17 different media houses. Again, please don’t let your imagination run wild with ‘trying his hand’. Specifically speaking, your first perception of Vincent would be absolutely weird but isn’t that the beauty of perception.

Somewhere else, the majestic morning sparks hope to the man who was supposed to give a lecture on ‘Pop’ at Stanford University. By ‘Pop’, mind you, I don’t mean the kind of music that you listen to. ‘Pop’ is ‘Power of Perception’, a special thought-book consisting of exactly 1976 pages. Like Vincent, no one could tell what Terence did to keep himself alive. However, things were a little clearer with Terence. He lived for his weekend football and worked for an entertainment channel based in Toronto. He had his investments in a football club and also owned ‘Perception Publications’ which encouraged young writers to write about explicit mannerisms.

Patrick soaks in the winter sun after 5 laps of the butterfly stroke. When you find yourself zooming out of this, you’d find yourself staring at his lush 5 room apartment in upscale Manhattan worth more than Britney Spear’s first album. Patrick worked as a ‘Creative Head’. Like any non-residential Indian, Life seemed blessed only from the outside. He wanted a change and wanted to shift back to India but whenever he got back to his apartment, he was lured by his fantastic indoor pool and the amount of white females in it. One can only wonder why Patrick didn't like the Big Apple. Was he actually missing home? Was he subject to sexual/anal harassment by his subordinates in the company hierarchy? Here, you can let your imagination run wild.


The story is not over.

FIELDS OF GOLD

“Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary”
- Life Is Beautiful.


A year ago, I lazily prepared a convocation speech which would be read out just before we flung our grad hats into the sky. This is how the speech was supposed to start-


"
Respected teachers, anticipated fellow graduates and precipitated juniors.

In the words of Victor Krum, ‘I don’t believe it’. It seems like yesterday when all of us were acquainted to each other. It was a time when we took time to understand what college meant. It was also a time when we were out of school uniforms, when we slowly stepped foot into the first blocks of the ‘snakes and ladders’ game called Life. Most importantly, it was a time for us to realize the ‘individual’ within us. Apart from that, it was time for college romance, heartbreaks, coffee excuses, tequila sunrises and empty wallets. It was also a time when all our professors claimed that the course wasn’t a cake walk, when all our seniors swore about the toughest course that Delhi University had to offer and how we silently promised ourselves that we’d contradict them. Now, when we are on the verge of finishing college, we still act like we’re in our freshman year.

Most of us still don’t know if we were educated the expensive way but what we know for sure is that we were educated the right way and we ought to be thankful to the people behind it. Our life tomorrow would be better only because of these people who stayed up all night to prepare a lecture only to find out that most students skipped classes for a random conversation class at some cheerful, warm place in the campus. On a more serious note, I guess we owe a lot to all of our professors who injected a sense of worldly sensibility along with the entire bookish ethos. So here’s a huge round of applause to all the teachers who have been our alarm clocks while we were sleeping throughout life.

Now, I turn my attention to my fellow mates. While I accept that we probably owe favours to each other, I cannot deny the fact that the world doesn’t owe us any favour. As we put our best foot forward towards the achievement of our personal targets, we should remember that ‘to whom much is given, much is expected’. Perception is the word that will play the artist of discontent. Everything that goes around, every topic that is debated and every technology that is upgraded: everything is a matter of perception. The world is there for the taking and it’s up to us to realize how to. The time is now and by that, I don’t mean ‘Times Now’. Jokes apart, I’d like to state one thing- While we seek our answers, let’s hope we don’t forget the question. On that note, fellow graduates, I end my speech and your sleep here.

Thank you fellow graduates. We strive to be the up keepers of the future (up yours).
You may now throw your hats high into the sky with some inspirational music in the background.

Cheers to the BBC event.”



That was the ‘supposed’ speech. Maybe I was under the influence of some of the best marijuana which Vincent smuggled from Mexico. Gracias.

Anyway, college was good.
It was a moment when everything around felt conveniently perfect. It was like we were stuck in that moment for ages.

Some coffee, couple of smokes, little money and lots of time. Life surely SEEMED settled.

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER

I'm thinking of posting two incidents in this post.

(a) CVENT episode- Our first job interview which had some hilarious twists. Of course, I would add some spice so don't start yawning.

(b) Our Gurgaon Festival- About a particular party which went on for 36 hours (maybe more) non-stop. We put wild pigs to shame. It includes Vincent's 5 hour telephone call, our nude dance, the BLACK python revelation and the 'supposed' cobra dance.

Since I'm thinking so give me some time. Lets see how it turns out.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT

Few months ago, we decided to apply to UNR (University of Nevada) and we almost got through, in fact we got through easily that too without the regular shit called GMAT, TOEFL, GRE, blah blah.

Patrick and Terence received call letters in their respective mails. Monica had the backing of National Geographic magazine and also had superb recommendations. Vincent had applied for scholarship under the ST quota (ST- Shameful Talker) and he secured a 100% scholarship.

View from above

(above does not mean heaven)

"Too much heaven" is a number from the Bee Gees. Anyway, let’s not divert. We made plans. We also planned to deal with racism. In other words, we would be the new whites and in some more other words, we would finally be beige.

Our statement of purpose in the application form was simple.

Patrick- Melons and ROYALTY.

Terence- Vertigo and ROYALTY.

Monica- Feminism and ROYALTY.

Vincent- Bazooka and ROYALTY.

Getchell Main Library

The picture above was supposed to the library that we'd never step into. By the way, in my three years at college, I never got a library card made except for the final year. I got it for the final year just because I wanted to know how it felt to have a library card (It felt the same as not having a damn library card).

Anyway, I then sold it off to Baharul who jumped at the thought as he could issue more books. I later realized that Salman Khan's auto-biography ("To Kill A Mocking Buck") was on the library stands.

Manzanita Lake

UNR boasts of a lake with a fountain and that’s what attracted us initially. Vincent thought he could submerge his head under the fountain and truly experience some book he read (Fountainhead).

Patrick is like a mermaid and I'm a piscean so we had no problem with water or wader (in an accent).

The Quad

The Quad was supposed to be our new BBC. To quote Vincent, "We'll smoke up there and then the whites will know what the machine is all about". Sadly, we know about the machine's misfortune before the whites did. The machine has undergone depreciation.

Anyway, we were all set. All set to bake ourselves upon that glorious Orange County, all set to play poker at Vegas, all set to wear red shorts and run along some beach at LA in slow motion, all set to pretend that we were part of the NYPD, all set to sneak into Mexico for some good marijuana, all set to bite the big apple, all set to become the new statues of liberties, all set to use a washing machine in Washington DC, all set to get a Stanford sweatshirt, all set to jump on Oprah Winfrey's couch, all set to say 'howdy pardner' in Texas.

And like they say, "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police"; Vincent was denied admission because the university refused to believe that he was the same guy (er.. his admission form had him revealing his long dandruff ridden hair) when they eventually saw him.

To quote one of the UNR office staff-
"The kid seemed like a chirpy 13 year old who looked million years away from puberty".

Then, we revolted. We believed "The Royalty" should be together. We stood shouting for hours, in rain and in storm, even lit candles at the entrance gate (hoo ha ha.. ). We waited for three months and surprisingly, in those 90 days, Vincent's hair did not grow an inch.

The answer is out 'now'- NOTHING expands for Vincent, its all gossip started and spread by Vincent himself.


Like Charlie Chaplin once said, "In the end, everything is a gag".

GAS LEAK

You must have heard about the 'Big Bang'- a theory which explains the origin of Earth. Well, this is not related to the 'Big Bang' theory but I used this theory for the use of one word- BANG.

First, there was a BANG.

Hitesh- Oops, I passed gas. Please hold your breath for two hours.
Girls- He he. Its normal, even we do it.
Hitesh- But are you explosive about it?
Girls- No. We are feminine.
Hitesh- Whats your point?