ACHTUNG BABY

December 24th, 2017.

In some fancy hotel at suburban Delhi, Subhojit and Hitesh were busy with their baby. They were supposed to launch their respective books at the same time. Therefore, they were excited and busy with the final touches. You may ask why they were launching it at the same time, at the same hotel. The answer is simple. They worked together for 10 years and were passionately involved with one another. Are you letting your imagination loose? FYI, two people can be passionately involved with each other’s work. Maybe I mean body work. Okay, enough, don’t imagine.

Subho - Come here.
Hitesh - Please Subho, it's getting too much.
Subho - You ungrateful swine.
Hitesh - Ok, I'm here. Bark.
Subho - I'm excited with our boobs.
Hitesh - You mean books, right?
Subho - Ya ya, smartass.
Hitesh - So, you still want to hibernate from the others?
Subho - Maane?
Hitesh - You were avoiding a lot of people after college.
Subho - Oh that. I thought they were dumb.
Hitesh - What's your point?
Subho - Nothing. I wanted a break. I was tired.
Hitesh - You weren't the only one (sarcasm).
Subho - Fuck off. No wait, just turn around.
Hitesh - All right but only twice.
Subho - That's what you think.
Hitesh - What's your point?



Abhishek Mukherjee and Baharul Islam never got along after college. This was after the former developed feelings for the woman that the latter liked. It happened 10 long years ago and the woman in question is now the chief editor of the world’s largest daily. Coming back to the two, they were supposed to work together for a project called- Save The Cats. This was a move started by leading Follywood (those stuck between Bollywood language and Hollywood accent) star, Mr Salmon. Baharul’s involvement is pivotal since he was the star’s PR whereas Abhishek had to cover the story as his promotion from a JJ (Jackass Journalist) to a JJJ (Junior Jabardast Journalist) depended on it.

Abhishek - Please have a shit. I mean seat.
Baharul - Jerk.
Abhishek - So, let’s start.
Baharul – Whatever.
Abhishek – Why this campaign?
Baharul – Mujhe junglee biliya bahot pasand hai (I’m very fond of wild cats). Besides, Salmon bhai is an animal lover and cares for all living beings.
Abhishek – Is that so?
Baharul – Interview over.
Abhishek – Didn’t he shoot black bucks years ago?
Baharul – That was a one off thing.
Abhishek – What about him running over pedestrians?
Baharul – Another one off thing.
Abhishek- When he banged his car over some street people?
Baharul - Another one off thing.
Abhishek – He would pick up fights with any person?
Baharul – No private questions.
Abhishek – He is not a public person at all.
Baharul – Look who’s talking? You were an asshole in college.
Abhishek – At least, I didn’t get a bouquet of flowers.
Baharul – Y… O… U…. (He says ‘You’ in slow motion).

Baharul calls Salmon and he arrives. Upon hearing the interview content, Abhishek gets beaten black and blue. He is thrown out of the room and hears Baharul laughingly saying, “I have got my revenge”. Abhishek sheds a tear, “I have got my promotion.”



December 25th, 2017.

Anurag Kotoky picks up the newspaper on a chilly Christmas day. He laughs as he reads through the headline, “Journalist Attacked: Is The Media Safe”. He reaches for his cell phone and calls Ved to gossip about the old days. Anurag waits for Ved to answer the call and in the meanwhile listens to the song, ‘Laal Laal Honthon Pe Gori Kiska Naam Hai” (Babe, Whose Name Is On Your Scorching Red Lips) which plays as Ved’s caller tune.

Ved – Hello.
Anurag – Hello.
Ved – Who’s this?
Anurag – Oi kela.
Ved – What is it?
Anurag – What is with your caller tone?
Ved – Oh that.
Anurag – Bizzare.
Ved – Why? Aren’t lips red?
Anurag – No, they are pink.
Ved – Oh, I just wanted the colour ‘Red’.
Anurag – But why kela?
Ved – Firstly, it’s my favourite movie.
Anurag – I can’t believe that you have two reasons.
Ved – Secondly, I completed m my post graduation from JNU.
Anurag – So?
Ved – Moron. Red and JNU. Connect.
Anurag – Oh yeah. I’m such a dork.
Ved – That we are competing for.
Anurag – Shut your trap.
Ved – Go peel bananas.
Anurag – Fuck off.
Ved – Why did you call?
Anurag – Hmmm, I forgot. Shit.
Ved – You need help.
Anurag – Oi kela.
Ved – I have a headache.


First things first. Anurag was a member of parliament and Ved was a senior professor in some college at Delhi University. Both kept in touch with one another and helped each other in several cases. This one time, Anurag won an election only because Ved’s students didn’t allow other people to vote for the other candidates. Such is the power of the youth. Anurag returned the favour by introducing Ved to important doctors. That’s when Ved said, “Yippee, now my headache will be over”.



December 26th, 2017.

A bright winter morning catches the eye of an ageing philosopher. He finds himself sipping the finest blue vodka, abundantly left over, after last night’s celebrations. No one really knew what Vincent did for a living. He was turning 35 next February and had no future plans except for some heavy real assets which he used as investments. By the way, please do not let your imagination run wild with the word, ‘Real Asset’ because it would be insane when I mention that his assets were scattered across the city. Therefore, by assets, I mean buildings, land, machinery, etc. Anyway, Life was spending time in a mosh-pit for this guy, who never seemed to fulfill your imagination of a penthouse owner. Vincent recently returned to ‘Zee News’ after trying his hand at 17 different media houses. Again, please don’t let your imagination run wild with ‘trying his hand’. Specifically speaking, your first perception of Vincent would be absolutely weird but isn’t that the beauty of perception.

Somewhere else, the majestic morning sparks hope to the man who was supposed to give a lecture on ‘Pop’ at Stanford University. By ‘Pop’, mind you, I don’t mean the kind of music that you listen to. ‘Pop’ is ‘Power of Perception’, a special thought-book consisting of exactly 1976 pages. Like Vincent, no one could tell what Terence did to keep himself alive. However, things were a little clearer with Terence. He lived for his weekend football and worked for an entertainment channel based in Toronto. He had his investments in a football club and also owned ‘Perception Publications’ which encouraged young writers to write about explicit mannerisms.

Patrick soaks in the winter sun after 5 laps of the butterfly stroke. When you find yourself zooming out of this, you’d find yourself staring at his lush 5 room apartment in upscale Manhattan worth more than Britney Spear’s first album. Patrick worked as a ‘Creative Head’. Like any non-residential Indian, Life seemed blessed only from the outside. He wanted a change and wanted to shift back to India but whenever he got back to his apartment, he was lured by his fantastic indoor pool and the amount of white females in it. One can only wonder why Patrick didn't like the Big Apple. Was he actually missing home? Was he subject to sexual/anal harassment by his subordinates in the company hierarchy? Here, you can let your imagination run wild.


The story is not over.