URBAN LEGEND

“An Urban Legend is similar to a modern folklore consisting of stories thought to be factual by those circulating them. Urban legends are not necessarily untrue, but they are often distorted, exaggerated, or sensationalized over time.

People sometimes take urban legends to be true, instead of recognizing them as tall tales or unsubstantiated rumours, because of the way they are told. The teller of an urban legend may claim it happened to a friend, which serves to personalize and enhance the power of the narrative. Since people, unconsciously or otherwise, often exaggerate, conflate or edit stories when telling them, urban legends can evolve over time.

Additionally, urban legends will often contain a grain of truth (in that, many urban legends are at least somewhat plausible, if not actually possible).”




Monica rightly pointed, “This blog is turning into a boy’s night out fun shit.”

Actually, the blog was supposed to be a reflection of the collective thoughts in college and honestly, the fact remains that the guys had a little more fun. I know it’d be a hard pill to swallow for the other sex but we do love the other sex (okay, let’s not go there).
A ‘women-only’ post was on my mind ages ago but then, like you know, apprehensions run deeper than comprehensions. The only thing that paused me was the reaction, but then I realized that menopause would take place when one would turn 60 and since I am just 23, I should not pause.


INLINE:

We were quite sucked into Greek literature sometime back. This post is somewhat related to that supernatural zone and hence, has words which come from Mount Olympus (I’m sure you’re thinking of the camera, dumb douche-bags!). Be smart, don’t believe whatever it says. Well, believe the Greek mythology for all the glamour attached but don’t believe its relevance with the post. But in case, you do believe the relevance then welcome to the world of Super Perception.


OUTLINE:

Back in the innocent days, there were two MAJOR groups. We had no hood or a ghetto therefore they were just groups not gangs.
The Athenas’ were the ones who had wisdom, wit and craft. They were intelligent, very social, accurate and jovial however there was a catch. They owned a lance to dance from France called ‘arrogance’.
The Aphrodites’ were the wish list of many mortals. They were suave and beauty was the major highlight. However, they had brains to match the looks and with this combination, they carried a fragrance called ‘arrogance’.

By Arrogance, I don’t mean ‘that’ arrogance. It only implies arrogance as a similarity.


CHARACTER ASSASINATION (ALPHABETICALLY):

Amanda (Athenas’) - An individual whose ideas knew no boundaries. She had the firmness to take a strong stand for people close to her and had a fetish for good looking men. Musically inclined and fanatically impulsive.

Monica (Aphrodites’) – Headstrong, aggressive and anti-orthodox. She knew what she wanted and she often got what she wanted (in any way). She’d come initially across as snobbish and sarcastic but that’s how she liked to portray herself.

Rihanna (Athenas’) – Blend of conservatism and modernity. Good orator, super active in social causes and a bad judge of people. She had a mind of her own but often chose not to speak it. Extremely popular and ultimately- most spoken about.

Samantha (Aphrodites’) – Extremely well spoken and brilliantly crafted for making anyone feel like a flop-show. Emotion was her only weakness but she made sure she kept it under the wraps. If there was someone she loathed, she’d leave no stone unturned to put across a statement.


Now, these were the four major characters however, they were two other very important characters who would be absolutely pivotal later on-
Nancy and Miranda (The Twins) - The Artemis’.

By the way- Patrick, Vincent, Terence, Baharul, Hitesh, Subhojit, Abhishek, Ved, Kotoky were the ‘Satyrs’.
According to Greek mythology, ‘Satyrs’ were part human and part beast and were the gods of woods and mountains who amused themselves by drinking, merry making and pursuing the nymphs of the forest.

Patrick, Vincent, Kotoky and Terence were with the Aphrodites’,
Baharul, Hitesh, Ved and Abhishek supported the Athenas’.
Subhojit could not make a choice and abused other Satyrs’.



BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY:

‘The silence often caused violence’.

The Athenas’ never saw eye to eye with the Aphrodites’. Call it an inability or call it an ego clash, the two groups had issues that tissues couldn’t wipe. First things first, Athenas’ hated the exaggerated liberation policy practiced by Aphrodites’. This resulted in a series of events which only resulted in hiding notes which were meant for mass distribution. We could see the entire difference in the ethos, pathos and stilettos when the Aphrodites’ chose a Goa trip and the Athenas’ headed for Pakistan. That gave the Satyrs’ a lot of gossip.

Vincent – Aphrodites’ like to enjoy and that’s the right thing.
Baharul – Athenas’ are trying to improve the society.
Patrick – Society can eat my balls.
Ved – If we don’t improve society then you’ll never enjoy life.
Terence – Life is not sex which can be enjoyed.
Ved – Ya, I think you are right.
Kotoky – He is not right, he is Terence.
Baharul – So, who do you like?
Kotoky – Oh kela, what do you mean? Baal kela!
Hitesh – They are all nice but…
Patrick – Aphrodites’ rule and that’s it.
Baharul – Tell me whom you like.
Terence – You like an Athena’, don’t ask us weird questions.
Baharul – Yes, I love her. So?
Kotoky – Kela.
Hitesh – I liked Samantha earlier.
Kotoky – Me too.
Vincent – Apparently, you like Nancy too, eh?
Hitesh – So what? I have a large heart. Enough space for love.
Patrick – Fuck you bitch. How many times have you fallen in love?
Hitesh – Only twice.

Abhishek – Guys, I think I can’t perform when it matters.
Baharul – Arrey, even I performed badly in the exams.
Vincent – He means another performance, jackass.
Baharul – Accha, dance performance?
Patrick – No man. Try to understand.
Baharul – Then it must be a singing performance.
Kotoky – Kela.
Vincent – Exactly !
Baharul – Haww! Naughty boy.
Abhishek – Throw this guy out.
Patrick – Abhishek man, just fake it.
Abhishek – It’s not emotional, it’s mechanical.
Vincent – Come to papa. Come here.


Anyway, the ‘Satyrs’ were pretty much united in conversations as compared to the other two groups. You should have noticed that Subhojit was no where in the ‘Satyrs’ conversation, that’s because he was busy running errands for both the groups. Every one knew that would take it’s toll someday, just like a bridge takes a toll for the crap it undergoes. One day, it happened, Rihanna did not like Subhojit mingling too much with a group who thought getting wasted was the best way to waste time. The ultimatum was given by Rihanna and surprisingly, Subhojit ignored her. It was speculatively surprising because of the relation Subhojit and Rihanna shared, they were like siblings and for all the love and affection they shared, Subhojit chose the Aphrodites’. No one can find a reason even now. People say that Subhojit fell for Amanda and she did not reciprocate or maybe that Subhojit thought he had a chance to learn all about make up and foundation with the Aphrodites’. The buzz that went around that specific time- Clueless.

One would assume many things but the fact remained. The Athenas’ hated the Aphrodites’ and the feeling was horridly mutual. We can guess why Rihanna issued an ultimatum to Subhojit and the following is the best analysis.
The Athenas’ were working on some college activity and Rihanna was busy with the billboard hoarding preparations. She worked very hard and expected appreciation for her efforts. The hoarding was up and Monica casually pointed to Subhojit that it should have been-
Ramjas College and HT present.
NOT Ramjas College and HT presents.

Subhojit laughed on Rihanna’s face over this and this evidently upset her a lot. This episode probably got Amanda and Rihanna to issue the ultimatum and boy, the ultimatum was golden just like any golden globe award. Anyway, like stated, he refused and chose to be with the ‘supposed’ eye candies of the college. Rihanna called Monica a wild heron thereafter and it also marked the aggression of both groups. Amanda spilled a bottle of ‘strawberry pickle’ inside Monica’s croc skinned Louis Vitton. That triggered Monica to an extent that Amanda had to lose some of her golden locks because of a chewing gum placed very strategically. One fine day, Samantha took the banter to another level. She asked if people actually help the ‘needy’ because they want to or because it adds to their resume. Concrete facts might entertain the thought that Samantha was only voicing what other people started but if that is a fact then we need to know who the other people were. Samantha was great in her ways. She was immensely outspoken, funny and full of wit but what she wanted was 'the mansion and not the apartment'. For the record, guys like Terence and Vincent would love to stay in an apartment and enjoy the weekend football with some anti-depressives.

Here’s a flash. Samantha was an ‘ex Athena’. Monica always claimed that Samantha quit the ‘Athenas’ whereas one Satyr swore that she was ignored when she was an Athenian. If there was any constant throughout the three years, it had to be the Patrick-Monica relation. The Aphrodites were a significant modern 'mansion' compared to the ever comfortable 'apartment' horizon that Athenas represented. The more you saw, the less you knew. People say that implementation of things is what keeps things going but as the world looks for order; there are some things which break the order and interrupt the exodus.

Between all the seriousness, there was a sweet funny patch. Apparently, a satyr had fallen for one of the Athenas. There was a lot of misunderstanding teamed with miscommunication. That makes you wonder, doesn’t it, as to how a mass communication aspirant would let miscommunication creep in, but it did. To solve it all, the innocent satyr presented a bouquet of the choicest roses straight from Mughal garden. This was followed by a nice conversation with the satyr carefully hearing every word-

Amanda – Wow. A bouquet. Congratulations.
Rihanna – Jeez, in full public view!
Amanda – Now you will be historically remembered.
(Some one behind gives a loud ‘bollywoodish’ giggle)
Rihanna – It’s not funny.
Amanda – It’s romantic, right?
Rihanna – It’s not fair.
Amanda – Flowers have the power.
Rihanna – But why me? I never instigated anything.
Amanda – The Ocean of love communicates.
Rihanna – Try to understand, all this could have negative effect.
Amanda – Yeah baby, but enjoy the moment.
Rihanna – I’m embarrassed. Really.
Amanda – It’s a gesture. Acknowledge it.
Rihanna – Notes behind every flower? Some gesture!

Amanda – This proves he was a science student earlier.
Rihanna – How?
Amanda – We are studying ‘Romanticism’ theory.
Rihanna – So?
Amanda – This was his practical.
Rihanna – Very funny.
Amanda – Trust me, he’ll give a viva and write a thesis too.
Rihanna – So, it is all science.
Amanda – Yes. And considering the blog we are in which is fiction.
Rihanna – The entire thing means, this is science fiction!
Amanda – Ahaan!!!


So, would you really believe it was science fiction?


Anyway, in between the realms of reality, the Athenas were walking on thin ice too. Though not concretely visible, Amanda and Rihanna had minor black outs. It happened when Rihanna took assertiveness seriously when she approached Amanda with a heartfelt propaganda to welcome a satyr’s feelings. And like Newton once stated that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, there was reaction but of a different kind. The kind that broke the satyr’s heart but which was stitched immediately over the thread of ‘more than a friend, less than a boyfriend’.

You can’t blame the satyr here because according to another satyr, the satyr in question had a mixed preference. Apparently, he swung the other way and the ‘much claimed’ love was a cover for his sexuality. Things were further proved when a ‘female’ junior failed to instigate his hormonal feelings.

As weeks went on, the Athenas were losing grip and the Aphrodites leisurely spent time at DSE. Amanda was developing a close bond with the Artemis. Nancy and Miranda were slowly overtaking Rihanna in Amanda’s life. Maybe she was undergoing a change, a change in the head and a change in life. Although none of it was ever made public but it showed. Rihanna was increasingly busy with social work and people said that Amanda was the one who was used to the attention and that’s where eyes didn’t meet. On the other hand, the sledging between Aphrodites and Athenas didn’t cease. Heaven knows why.

Nancy and Miranda were the best friends that people often spoke about. They were together and happy. On one occasion, they were BOTH seen wearing pink sweaters, pink socks, pink stoles and similar sandals. Both of them were 'leftists' but not Marxists. Miranda once wrote a love letter on behalf of Nancy when the latter’s hand was not well. Such was the bonding; they shared lives and were the thickest friends. Vincent claimed they would marry each other sometime in future and he would be the perfect prop.

Don’t we all agree that life picks up when we are at our lowest. Miranda and Monica had nothing in common except for the letters ‘M’ and the wonder boy, Patrick. No hidden icons here but in almost every banter that the two women indulged in, Patrick had a part, intentional or non-intentional. I wouldn’t go into the details of any fight but here’s a tiny example-

Monica – Stay away woman.
Miranda – You stay away and get on your life.
Monica – Do you even have a life to consider?
Miranda – I do, better than yours.
Monica – Yeah, that’s why you opt for forbidden objects.
Miranda – Don’t be a bitch.
Monica – Whom are you calling a bitch, bitch?
Miranda – WHOM are you calling a bitch, bitch?
Monica – Whom are YOU calling a bitch, bitch?
Vincent – Cut it out, girls. Love each other.
Patrick – Show me some love!


Winter bought a significant change. It was a time when all the women were significantly okay with each other. Don’t ask me how. It just happened. Well, that’s what we’d like to believe. Even if there was any hidden animosity, it was tried best to ignore. That was a good stage because all the women were passing smiles and kisses as if they were contesting for a beauty pageant show. They invited each other for social gatherings and fucking greeted each other first thing in the morning. One irritating thing was when they acknowledged each other as ‘baby’, ‘darling’, ‘doll’. It wouldn’t seem to the women but the men had a good laugh over it.

And boom! Just when we thought we lost the spice. All the women had ‘new’ issues to talk about. I guess the phrase ‘same old brand new you’ spread across yet again. Then, as the months went on, a lot of things kept happening. The cold war, mud throwing, sling matches, jab crunching, pasted chewing gum, personality attacks, relationship agonies, mental games, side kick upsets; all this never ‘actually’ ceased but still within that year of enormous finding, the women realized they were up for a lost cause and realized that another group stole all attention right under their nose. However, the time zone when ‘The Artemis’ attacked the Aphrodites and Athenas, some Satyrs shifted loyalty and probably because they were extremely tempted to. Who knows? But the fact was that no one knew which satyr supported whom.

There was also a time when global warming was compared to being activists and feminists were equivalent to global fretting. If you should know, then Athenas were the activists and Aphrodites were the feminists.

Sometime back, Monica and Miranda swore ‘non solemn’ words to each other over the phone. Then there were further mud-slangs thrown. Apparently, Samantha and Miranda spent some time together and when everyone assumed all was well; a well noted fact came out – Insecurity once, insecurity forever. Topics like diary entries, physicalities, mentalities, pot shots, leaked secrets, murdered trusts all came under the sun when it was absolutely raining cats and dogs. A satyr says, “It happened because they tried living together and besides, trying to forget the past even though they had their loyalties else where is dangerous.”


Samantha and Miranda were at it, full fledged, in public-


Nancy-
Bitching is considered a damn healthy option.

Samantha-
You telling me babe that bitching is healthy? Then I’m sure your best friend is the healthiest unfit person in class of 2007. Patrick and Monica, do you guys agree? And for your kindest info, Nancy, that woman has told me every single personal detail of your life in just a span of one week. Over and out (regarding this topic).

Miranda-
Oh no. It’s just begun woman...wait. Look who the fuck is bitching now; that too to people's best friends thinking they'll believe HER!! We sure know she is the MOST trustworthy person in class. Of course she is, she can dictate when a topic begins and when it ends... ha!! And as far as personal details go, I’m sure I can write documents on HER friend’s lives. I just don’t waste my time on stuff some people spend their lives on, like peculating negative image of people just for random publicity and being OBSESSED with personal details.

Samantha-
Woman, your long and loud comment proves you are guilty because at least I didn’t have to justify myself to people because they all know what you are from the beginning. Tell me na, what'd I say about my friends? Tell me, I’m curious and trust me I have nothing to do with Nancy either but I thought she should know who's told me everything about her, from her personal diary to her love life; poor Nancy, trusting a deadly serpent! All I’m glad about is you got through IIMC or else your negative effect would’ve rubbed off on me too and I don’t bitch behind people's back, what I have to say I say it then and there and everyone knows that. Miranda, one piece of advice- stop thinking the entire world is after you! Get a life please.

Miranda-
The bond between Nancy and her best friend is way too strong for ANY one who wishes to engage them in cat fights; unlike some other so called best friends who love bitching about each other! (NOW IT’S OVER AND OUT) blabber you female. I withdraw my attention from your cheap tricks!

Nancy-
Both of you stop now. The boys are having fun over this. We must unite as women and beat the shit of the boys.


Alas, it never happened. But here’s a thought-

Good girls keep diaries,
Bad girls don’t have time.




All the women mentioned in the post are significant, no matter what ANYONE thinks. The difference in opinion among all of them gave us a bitter sweet symphony. And like they say, ‘Variety adds spice to life’, we saw the spice and we, men, admit that we love these women no matter who was right or wrong. Just imagine! The women got into this mud battle only to entertain us, that’s being very very thoughtful. (Okay, don’t take it seriously).

Jokes apart, today, Amanda and Monica come across as pleasant surprises to each other. They make plans to meet and talk about the weather, books and the city; but they never get an opportunity to meet. Maybe they’d find it weird or strange to sit and have a free flowing conversation. In that case, they should stand and talk. Both the women have undergone quite a year. Both haven’t received what they truly want and both have suffered a little more than they deserved.

There could have been a mention of a relationship gone sour because somebody wanted that relationship for herself but then again, it’s easy to be judgmental knowing only one side of the story. However, since it would only recall old hurts so it’s best to not mention it and walk on.


SUMMARY:

It is quite impossible to summarize what actually went on and who actually was right. Perhaps, they started on the wrong foot in college but, now, as we mature with every passing day, it only helps to feel that life isn’t about fighting over petty issues. Please note that everything written is not a judgemental theory about what was right or wrong; neither is it about a morality report card. And for all the women who found some space in this post-

You can dance; you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen.


Finally, I didn’t mean to go very personal and hollow but sometimes fiction should take a backseat. And even if reality is in the front seat, we realize that we are all running to a stand still.

CASABLANKET

There are two positive things that happen when you finish college. You get a post graduate degree and work. A post graduate degree would help you gain contacts and some other valuables. You work because you have to, not because you want to. That’s the underlying reality of the cruel world we live in.
- Patrick.

There are two positive things that happen when you finish college. You either work or you opt for further studies. Well, you don’t opt for further studies, you are selected on the basis of vigorous interview and discussion sessions; but that’s another story so let’s just assume that you opt for further studies. As far as work goes, you work because you have to eat and survive. That’s the sadistic reality of the cruel world we live in.
- Terence.

There are two negative things that happen when you finish college. You want to study further yet you work. You work because that helps you come in contact with newer models of the other species. You work because you know, somewhere really deep within your heart, that there is an ‘Ugly Betty’ waiting for the transformation and wanting to get laid. That’s the pivotal reality of the cruel world we live in.
- Vincent.



June 2007:

College was over and done with, that’s what we thought. But we lived in the thought and continued whisking the summer drooling over TV shows and internet consumption. And then the phone rang:


Tillie-let Tillie-let, Tillie-let Tillie-let.

Terence – Hello?
Patrick – Hey, what’s up?
Terence – The usual.
Patrick – Wanna work?
Terence – Depends. Where?
Patrick – The company is called CVENT.
Terence – Cement!
Patrick – C VENT, asshole.
Terence – What do we have to do?
Patrick – Does it matter?
Terence – Of course, it’s about integrity.
Patrick - They pay us 18k.
Terence – I’m coming.
Patrick – Monica and Samantha would also join us.
Terence – Sure.
Patrick – Call Vincent too.
Terence – He must have known already. Telepathy.


Tillie-let Tillie-let, Tillie-let Tillie-let

Vincent – Yes?
Terence – I have a job for you.
Vincent – The only job I want is a blowjob.
Terence – Think decent, at times.
Vincent – Okay, handjob will do.
Terence – Opening at CVENT.
Vincent – Cement!
Terence – C VENT, asshole.
Vincent – What’s the job detail?
Terence – They pay us 20k.
Vincent – I will sell myself for that amount.
Terence – All right, I’ll see you when I see you.


Couple of days later. Terence and Vincent meet at the metro station, as they wait for Patrick, Monica and Samantha, they start a conversation-

Terence – Here’s your resume.
Vincent – You call this a resume!
Terence – No, I call it the periodic table.
Vincent – Jackass, Paris Hilton is not my ambition in life.
Terence – Shit. Just throw stuff when they ask you.
Vincent – What the fuck do I say?
Terence – Tell them you want to open new Hilton resort in Paris.
Vincent – You think the interviewers are dumb.
Terence – Well, they called us for an interview.
Vincent – Aha, now you make sense.

Meanwhile the two discuss things that shouldn’t be discussed. Patrick, Monica and Samantha arrive an hour later.

Patrick – Hello.
Vincent – You smell good, is that aqua marine?
Terence – It’s probably nicotine.
Patrick – You have your resumes, right?
Vincent and Terence – Right.
Patrick – Let’s go. It’s an hour from here.
Terence – Why couldn’t they come to us?
Vincent – Yeah, why do we have to go to them?
Patrick – You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Terence – What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
Vincent – Why should I eat someone else’s cake instead?
Patrick – It’s a proverb, a saying.
Vincent – Proverb saying what?
Patrick – Never mind. Can we go?


Meanwhile the two women were busy conversing with each other and therefore, they aren’t too vocal in this post. Anyway, the five of them hopped into the metro only to get down at some weird place to catch a local transport. A yellow DTC bus with fresh pukes, semi pisses, dry nose wastes, shining yeasts, solid saliva and probably hand ridden semen all over the seats.

Fret not and don’t make faces. They placed themselves far away from the ‘special’ seats and also took some pictures. Speaking of which, that’s where the ‘hand of god’ was conceived. An hour later, they got down from the public transport and that’s when the two women thought they’d rather visit a friend staying nearby than attend a boring interview session. So they left. Patrick, Terence and Vincent caught hold of another public transport and drove off in that beauty for about twenty minutes. The beauty referred to was a cycle rickshaw, which incidentally couldn’t race a van which carried nearly fifteen people. The fifteen people were also called for an interview and they stopped midway to ask for directions, since they were lost and confused like us. Now, there was a problem. No matter how absurd the situation, we don’t ask for directions. We simply don’t. Like Hannibal said,
‘We will either find a way or make a way’.

To our ego’s surprise, we arrived at the specified location at the specific time. Well, almost specific thanks to traffic. Atlantic ocean versus the pacific. Kindly ignore the last sentence. Upon entering the office, Terence realized his fly was open which meant it must have been open all the way through but that’s debatable. Meanwhile, Patrick asked Monica and Samantha to, at least, give the interview. Within all the meanwhiles, the conference room was populated by the fifteen people whom the three encountered on the way. A short introduction round was followed with a mini history class on CVENT clienteles, profiles and turnovers.

During the short orientation session, Vincent tried his best to make eye contact with a slender (slim + tender) female across his table; Vincent’s idea of eye contact was playing see-saw with his eye brows with his tongue wagging out. Patrick kept messaging Monica and Terence tried his level best not fall asleep. And suddenly, loud sounds of sharp stilettos could be heard which incidentally broke everyone’s already broken attention.

Monica and Samantha stormed into the room and explained that the traffic situation was overly pathetic and started cursing the government. The man in charge, the CEO, asked them to take their seat and Vincent suddenly popped this, “Where?”

While the CEO kept going on about the company, Monica and Samantha kept on with their unfinished conversation. The CEO requested them thrice to maintain decorum but don’t we all know that entertaining silence is something most women find hard to achieve. So, the CEO was pissed and asked them to leave. Monica and Samantha just rose and stormed out. They banged the glass door so hard that it remains stuck even today. Luckily, there were two doors. Once the orientation finished, we were taken to an aisle to test our writing skills combined with speed and comprehension. As we walked out of the room after the orientation, the CEO asked us if we were with the two ‘rude’ women. ‘No’ came the answer in chorus. Wicked eh.

We, then, sat on twin computers for the written test. Terence and Patrick took lots of time to complete the work whereas Vincent finished in a jiffy. Here’s the real deal- Vincent finished really early and didn’t know what to do with the free time so he fondled with his article and the fonts. He had each paragraph to a different font and colour which included pink, maroon, orange and red. Can you remotely imagine? A six or seven paragraph article with different colours and fonts, that too in an online written test. No wonder he was noted to be too colourful for the company.

Patrick and Terence breezed through the test and managed to impress at the final interview. The chief interviewer told us that there was an opening for only post and only candidate would get the final nod. But like they say, a squint and a pint never reply back. We never received any notification and still wonder who eventually got the job. By the time, we finished all the formalities; we realized that we were running late. The office was kind enough to provide us with transport to any place we desired. Vincent suggested we take the vehicle to Kasauli but Terence was too pissed since Vincent lost Terence’s zippo. Fuck, Vincent still owes Terence a zippo.

Upon much debate, they finally headed to Kotoky’s place to get some rest. On the way, Vincent sweet talked the driver to stop near a local liquor store where he got down and bought the valuables. After a while, a police van stopped the vehicle we were traveling in and at the spur of the moment decided not to check our belongings. As we wondered why, Vincent told us, “Relax. I have the police in my pockets”. Little did we know that he meant pants. Here’s the actual story-

Officer – Where are you boys going at this time?

Vincent gets out of the car and takes the officer to a corner. Then they speak.

Vincent – Please sir, we are students.
Officer – I can sense you are carrying alcohol.
Vincent – Can we please settle it?
Officer – Are you bribing me? Fucker (native language).
Vincent – No no, I’m only showing the love.

Officer takes a good look at him.

Officer – Fine. Come alone to my house tomorrow.
Vincent – (Gulps) But why sir?
Officer – What do you expect? For letting you three go.
Vincent – Okay, but I have a condition.
Officer – What? Protection?
Vincent – No, that’s your wish.
Officer – Then?
Vincent – Let me act cool in front of these two.
Officer – You will say that you threatened me?
Vincent – Yes. And that I have police in my pocket.
Officer – Okay but tomorrow at 10 pm sharp.
Vincent – (Gulps) Sshharp? Ok...kay.

The police van disappears after secretly taking Vincent’s phone number. Patrick and Terence were inside the car and only saw them talking. They were relieved to see the police van go away. That’s when Vincent arrogantly came towards the vehicle.

Vincent – I have the police in my pockets.
Patrick – That’s amazing.
Terence – Brilliant.
Vincent – Hail to the machine. Me.


Afterword:
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."
- Scott Adams.

A FINE VALENTINE

It’s Valentines Day. Yes, we know that it’s a shite idea but here’s a post which talks of a guy’s perspective and perception of the idea.

Assembled, assorted and assumed. Don’t expect something brilliant.


SCENE I:

Vincent comes to meet Patrick and Terence with a wide grin. The grin gives away one particular pubic hair between his teeth. Knowing Vincent, he could have placed it on purpose to attract weird attention but like always, ignorance was a virtue.

Terence – Yo mofo, heard you just banged somebody.
Vincent – Oh yes. After a long time.
Patrick – Tell me also.
Vincent – Well, both of us wanted it. Wild and wicked.
Terence – What’s her name?
Vincent – Err. I don’t know man.
Terence – Tsk tsk, you are a rotten man.
Vincent – Look who’s talking!
Patrick – Ha ha. LMAO!
Vincent – Look who’s laughing.
Patrick – Hain?
Vincent – Don’t ‘hain’ me. You are not milk washed.
Patrick – Okay okay.
Terence – So, you plan to meet her again?
Vincent – No man, she said something which pissed me.
Patrick – What? Tell us also.
Vincent – Well, she suddenly got up and left.
Terence – But why?
Patrick – You must have done something stupid.
Vincent – I did not. I am a gentleman.
Terence – Did she say why she was leaving?
Vincent – She just told me one thing before storming out.
Terence – What did she say?
Patrick – Tell me also.
Vincent – ‘My ears are not handles’.


SCENE II:

A very very lazy afternoon at DSE when a women’s magazine interrupted a normal free flowing ‘abuse filled’ conversation. The magazine was called ‘Cosmina Ellgue’ which was the supposed merger between ‘Cosmopolitan’, ‘Femina’, ‘Elle’ and ‘Vogue’.
Anyway, the details aren’t necessary; unlike the power of perception. We didn’t care about the merger or the magazine but the journalist insisted and we somehow agreed to take part in the survey.


Journalist - Make love to a random woman only after you've both shared:

Subhojit - Expectations from a sexual relationship.
Baharul - Our blood-test results.
Terence - No blackmail vows.
Patrick – Time and maturity.
Vincent - Five tequila slammers.

Journalist – Foreplay is to sex as:

Baharul – A trailer is to a movie.
Patrick – A queue is to an amusement park ride.
Terence – Seeing is to reading.
Vincent – Breakfast is to dinner.

Journalist – You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

Kotoky – Available.
Patrick – Gay.
Baharul – An oxymoron.
Terence – A moron.
Vincent – A myth (like the Bazooka).

Journalist – In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to:

Patrick – Making love.
Baharul – Sax.
Subhojit – Screwing.
Terence – Sex.
Vincent – The pigskin bus into tuna town.

Journalist - Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

Baharul – A dream.
Kotoky – Bloody (broken glasses all over)
Patrick - Something my girlfriend need never find out about.
Terence – A way of life.
Vincent – Been there, done that (Yawn!).

Journalist - Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

Patrick – The best part of the experience.
Baharul – A dream, sigh.
Terence – The second best thing.
Vincent – 100 bucks extra.

Journalist - What are you most likely to say at the end of a relationship?

Patrick – Sorry, better luck next time.
Baharul – We will always be good friends.
Terence – Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.
Vincent – Can we keep the sex?

Journalist - A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

Abhishek – I don’t give a fuck.
Baharul – Hee hee, what silly questions? Uffo!
Subhojit – Is uptight and waste of time.
Hitesh – What’s your point?
Vincent – Shouldn’t have sat next to me in the bus.


SCENE III:

Anurag Kotoky, Baharul Islam and Subhojit Sanyal party one day. All of them get super drunk and wasted. They talk about things ranging from literature to history, music to sports, future to skiing. Then they fall asleep and share a bed, like usual.

Baharul wakes up next morning with a question on his face. He looks around and notices Kotoky sleeping happily between the three and Subhojit snoring next to Kotoky. He, then, holds a very inquisitive expression. The other two wake up slowly.

Baharul – Man, this is weird.
Subhojit – We shared a bed, big deal.
Baharul – Not that.
Kotoky – Then what?
Baharul – I had this vivid dream of getting a handjob.
Subhojit – What the fuck! I had the same dream.
Baharul – Kotoky, what did you dream about?
Kotoky – That’s funny.
Subhojit – Why?
Kotoky – I dreamt I was skiing.



Happy Valentines to all the ‘idiotic’ hopeless romantics.
Spread love, not AIDS.



Note – Some of the content is derived from external factors (The Internet). The artist is not to be blamed.

CONSTIPATED SUPERHEROES

There’s a huge ordeal about the existence of 'Superheroes'. Some people claim they exist, some say it’s a mind game and some say things which shouldn’t be said here. This world may or may not need a 'Superhero' but what it actually needs is an environment free from external and internal problem creating agencies. There was a time when the world was perfect and that was before some dumb paracetomol eating douche-bag opened the pandora’s box. Thereafter, we were bestowed with greed, ego, envy, jealousy, hatred and so on (read: Greek mythology).

All right. It was fun while it lasted. Don’t use brains from next time. Anyway, the society that exists has space for a ‘Season Latest’ in Vogue but no-where is a slot for 'Superheroes'. But then, Vogue wouldn’t feature ‘Superheroes’ unless there was a change in the 'Superhero' costumes. Fashion to heroics, see the similies.

Every word mentioned above in the two paragraphs is what today’s 'Superheroes' think about. Yes, you are right. We have three 'Superheroes' amongst us. Vincent, Patrick and Terence might just look, talk and walk like any normal ‘random’ guy but the perception goes deep, maybe deeper and who knows, maybe deepest.

A motivation, such as a sense of responsibility (Spiderman), a personal vendetta against criminals (Batman) or a strong belief in justice and humanitarian service (Superman).

While it would be awe-fucking-some to become a 'Superhero' and save the world. Think of all the difficulties the three would undergo.

Vincent would take red underwears too seriously which he usually does. Anwyay, Superman sucked. Really, it was like 'Good morning Kryptonite' (whatever the effing spelling) and 'Goodnight Superman'. Patrick would gone a little mental jumping from one building to another, apparantly he jumps only to feel the balls touch each other. Terence would go absolutely ballistic if he was ever gifted with something like a laser X-ray fucking vision. Leave the world, he would not be able to save himself. This goes on, Vincent would be able to fly but that would be of no significance because a strong gush of breeze can make him fly anyway. Patrick and Terence would rather save and preserve their own arse instead of saving the worlds’.

When somebody would plead, “Come on, you have to save the world?”. The instant inner answer to throttle would be ‘depends’.

So, 'Superheroes' is not really a valid idea and is quite shite. True, the three have been chosen and cannot fondle with destiny but if they have lazy asses then the world will have to wait.

And believe it, patience is a virtue.

POWER DYNAMICS

“Most of what we learn in the first five years of elementary school will be valid all our life.
Most of what we learn in the first few years of a college degree won’t be”


A man should NEVER underestimate the thinking speed of a woman. Terence and Vincent don’t think so because of the fact that they have a ‘done it’ chart where they place all records and events. Patrick didn’t think so until he was taught a sweet lesson.

One normal winter morning, when we were ‘not’ waiting for our professor to turn up, we were engaged in a nice conversation. College represents a different charm during winters. It’s when the complexion of the fairer sex seems better as if they applied ‘foundation’ in every aspect. The warm heavy jackets, fur coats, pashmina stoles would reveal skin but don’t all ‘the’ boys like to live in a city called ‘Voluptuocity’.

Terence – Winters. Wow.
Vincent – Women. Wow.
Terence – Winter women. Wow.
Baharul – Yesterday, I was listening to Bow Wow.
Vincent – I’d rather choose Bappi Lahiri.
Baharul – Don’t ridicule Subhojit. He’s my friend.
Terence – Does he swing the other way?
Vincent – Only with Hitesh.
Baharul – Ha ha, they still play on swings!
Terence to Vincent – Nevermind.

Meanwhile, there was another conversation going on.

Monica – Get lost, Patrick.
Samantha – If only someone paid you for talking absolute garbage.
Patrick – Then what would happen?
Samantha – Then you would have been a billionaire.
Patrick – I see.
Baharul – ‘I see you’ is about to release.
Monica – Gawd. You are so off topic.
Patrick – But Samantha, admit it. Men think faster.
Samantha – Balls.
Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.
Monica – We didn’t even start debating.
Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.
Samantha – Don’t go mental now.
Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.
Monica – You are irritating me now.
Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.
Samantha – You are simply scared.
Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.


Patrick was really loud in his excitement. Everyone heard him.

Vincent – Yo mofo, my baby won something?
Patrick – I kicked ‘feminism’ today.
Terence – Welcome to the club.
Baharul – Club? Which club?
Vincent – I’ll hit you with a club! (frustrated).
Patrick – Ignore that man. We rule.
Terence – Hey, Samantha’s written something on the board.


The board read-
PATRICK SUCKS


Patrick – Baah, no big deal. I have got it covered.
Vincent – Need help?
Patrick – Did the gladiators ever ask for help?

Patrick walked up to the board and chalked something which had him all smiling. His smile seemed as though he had just released a heavy controlled fart.


The board now read-
PATRICK SUCKS GOOD


Patrick – I won the debate. I won the debate. Yay.
Vincent –Nice.
Terence – Yeah, good thinking.
Patrick – I am the king.
Baharul – Samantha’s writing something.


The board now read-
PATRICK SUCKS HIMSELF GOOD


Samantha – High five!
Monica – Yo girl, you the woman!

Patrick – Shit. I thought I won. Shit.
Vincent – You know, gladiators often get eaten up by lions.
Terence – So, why so glum, chum?
Patrick – Shit. I thought I won. Shit.


There you go. That’s the beauty of playing with the fairer sex. They let you think that you’ve won. You will not receive the big punch till the last round. So let’s do what men should do- Love their respective women and respect their thinking.


P.S- After everyone left, Vincent and Terence edited the board.


The board now read-
PATRICK SUCKS DEEP & CALLS HIMSELF SUPER GOOD.


So. Who finally won? I suspect- MEN.